Living with a... Skoda Enyaq (Final Report)

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Month 1 | Welcome, Bright Green Thing! Month 2 | So yeah here's the tip update Month 3 | The Barking Mad Incident Month 4 | Cold chicken bake in the stupid south Month 5 | Public EV charging... no thanks Final Report | A SkODE to joy

I'm a 44-year old Geordie with a wife and teenage kids and a dog and a mortgage and other responsibilities, but also a man desperately trying to maintain the facade of being young and interesting... a lot like a Skoda family EV painted bright green and called a 'coupe', you might say. We're perfect for each other. I use the Skoda mostly at weekends to take the kids to their social engagements, or to take parts of my drumkit to band practice, or to take myself to theatre rehearsal. During the week the Skoda tends to be with my wife, a teacher at a school in a Northumberland village, 30 miles north of where we live. We have a home EV charger, which helps.

Mark says: "I’ve never seen a car that looks like a midlife crisis before, but here you go: one family SUV by Skoda in hyper green. I’m one hundred percent here for it.

How much has it cost you?

My dignity, according to my daughter. Check out the WhatsApp exchange below. (“Gross colour.”) I love it though, so I don’t care. In actual money, the month of September has cost us £98 so far, for 442kWh of charging. That’s 22p per kWh, which is on the high side but that’s because I keep letting it charge during the day instead of scheduling it for overnight charging, when it’s cheaper. My bad.

Where have you been?

The Enyaq has become main family car for us, meaning it does normal, main family car type stuff: work and back most days for Mrs Nichol; shopping trips; tip trips (we go to the tip so much that I’m on ‘familiar wave’ terms with the Dutch dude who runs the place); taking the kids to their friends’ houses... or to town... or to work. It’s all pretty boring, really. The car isn’t though, thankfully.

What have you been carrying?

People, drums, rubbish. Nothing that the Enyaq can’t handle. But if that does happen, we’ll let you know. And take photos of it.

Delights?

At the risk of banging on about this, I just love that Skoda sells this car in this colour. It feels like I should be talking about more tangible and objective parts of the Enyaq experience – and I obviously will in the coming months – but for now, let me just say how much I’m enjoying having a car with this much personality. Very few cars get this much attention… and no Skoda I’ve ever driven has. It's obviously easy to paint a car bright green. But it’s the contrast between the paintwork and the car underneath that’s so striking here. This is one VERY sensible car. Too sensible, I’d argue. It doesn’t feel like a vRS at all. It’s quick, but a vRS… nah. We’ll talk about that in due course too.

Frustrations?

That time it wouldn’t start. A few weeks ago. Let me tell you the tale... So it's 7am and I’m due in Edinburgh by 10am. I've charged the Enyaq to 100% overnight because I reckon I'll get there and back without having to charge. I get in the car and select D… nothing. A warning message tells me that the 12V battery is knackered (I’m paraphrasing) and that I should visit a workshop immediately. I don’t have time to do that, but I do have another car, at least. So I jump in that, call breakdown (via Skoda) and wait to hear the prognosis. Fast forward a few hours and I’m on the phone to the recovery dude, who’s outside my house. “I’ve just tried to start the car and… it’s working fine.” “Oh. Erm… sorry to have wasted your time then.” Embarrassing. Still, the recovery dude was perfectly pleasant, and was happy to see the car – he’d “never seen a vRS like this”, apparently. See... everyone loves the green

This month in a nutshell

The Enyaq healed itself on the driveway and has worked fine ever since. I’m loving every mile. Back to top

Mark says: "I went to the tip. It was absolutely class. And by “it” I mean both the Skoda, and the act of going to the tip.”

How much has it cost you?

*Checks Pod Point app* Car charging during the month of September has cost £126.49 for 567kWh; October so far has cost £57.81 for 259kWh. In both cases that’s 22p per kWh, and the car’s giving me 3 miles per kW – about 7p per mile. That’s nowt for a car with 300 horsepower, right? It would be even better if I scheduled it to charge overnight, when the unit cost goes down to 8.5p. I keep forgetting. Shameful.

Where have you been?

The tip. See picture below. I love the tip. I love the tip so much that I’m on friendly terms with the Dutch man who runs the tip. He knows what I do because he noticed that I’m always at the tip in a different, new car. He’s the least jobsworth-y tip man I’ve ever met. The sort of tip man who never questions you for parking directly opposite the “waste that cannot be recycled” skip and hoisting 20 black bin bags in there with reckless abandon. He also drives a heavily modified and chromed Chrysler 300C and looks like he used to play bass in a metal band that supported Iron Maiden once. Might ask him when I'm next at the tip. Probably tomorrow. Where was I? Oh yeah, Skoda.

What have you been carrying?

We've just been through this. Bin bags.

Delights?

This car is just brilliant. Top to bottom. Front to back. Yeah, the colour is ridiculous. And it’s also ridiculous that Skoda has called it a ‘coupe’ and given it a less useful boot than a regular Enyaq, which is the sort of thing that people on X use as ammunition against a perfectly brilliant car. It's basically a fallacy too, because the coupe's boot is only 15 litres smaller than said regular Enyaq’s, which in reality is very little – 8 multipacks of Um Bongo, if you like. With the rear seats folded the difference increases to 100 litres, true, but in reality, the loading space is massive whichever way you slice it. Good for up to 20 black bin bags of waste that cannot be recycled.

Frustrations?

Yeah, the cupholders. They’re too small and close together. The only cup I’ve found with the tapered girth to fit properly is the Greggs one you see below. Good old Greggs coming up with the goods, as usual. However, in a shocking turn of events, it turns out that a Greggs cup-for-life is quite rubbish at keeping a drink warm. Harumph. Also, a cup in the cupholder blocks the wireless phone charging pad. Double harumph.

This month in a nutshell

The Enyaq isn’t costing us much; we went to the tip and the boot is big; we love the Enyaq; we don’t love the Enyaq’s cupholders; the Dutch tip man rules. Back to top

Mark says: "My little dog ruined our little lawn with his weewee for the second time. Cue Facebook Marketplace, a massive bag of bark, an inappropriate Skoda and a forklift truck. What could go wrong?”

How much has it cost you?

*Checks Pod Point app* Car charging during the month of November cost me £144.07 for 646kWh. It’s freezing outside, so the battery range has dipped significantly and we’re only getting about 2 miles per kWh. Still, that’s £144 for 1300 miles, which is nice.

Where have you been?

I went to a muddy place in Northumberland where a man was selling bags of bark. He was a nice man, but when I turned up, in a bright green hatchback and wearing shorts and white Crocs, he clearly thought I was a moron. I knew this because his opening gambit was “I thought you’d be in a pickup or a van or something.” Then he LOLed at the car. That was when I clocked the massive bags of bark next to the forklift truck. I’d bought two of these on Facebook Marketplace without really thinking about it. I thought they’d be like... I dunno... two bags for life or something? The nice man's internal monologue was correct. I am a moron. Still… Crocs moron and his ridiculous green car were not going to accept defeat.

What have you been carrying?

I don’t know how much the bag of bark weighed but it turned out only one of them would fit into the car. Possibly. And only using a forklift. For a minute I was certain it wasn’t going to fit, but in an ironic twist, the fact that our Enyaq is a ‘coupe’ was the only reason the bag got through the tailgate and into the boot. See, the slope of the coupe's roof means its tailgate is more gaping than a standard Enyaq’s. It also sits at an angle, making it easier to, say, drop a massive bag of bark into it from a forklift. Squeezing the bag in was only half the battle, though. As I stood, freezing, muddy, wondering if it would just be easier to sell the dog, my internal monologue was like, “if this dude is a cack-handed machine operator, there's every chance his two big forks will tear off my tailgate. How do I explain that to Skoda?” Thankfully, they did not. In fact, I hadn’t seen such high-stakes precision since my bother took the Nichol Household Kerplunk title from me back in ’89.

Delights?

Well, for one thing, the suspension held up. Which is more relief than delight. (Sorry, Skoda.) But mainly, this little incident has changed my mind about the whole ‘SUV-Coupe’ thing. It’s common to be disparaging about this sort of car because they usually sacrifice boot volume in favour of a look that’s supposed to be ‘sporty’. Even though giving an SUV a sloped roof makes it sporty in the same way that taking a sportscar’s tyres off makes it a train. Anyways, despite being 15 litres smaller than an Enyaq’s boot, the much bigger and more favourably angled tailgate of the coupe makes it a much more flexible space.

Frustrations?

Some things have stopped working. The front passenger side heated seat doesn’t work. Nor do either of the rear heated seats. Nor the rear air con panel. I'm probs going to take the car to Skoda to get those fixed in January, but it’s not that urgent because my heated seat still works, and my backside is the most important. Oh, and the post-bark interior vacuum was a NIGHTMARE. Wood in every crevice.

This month in a nutshell

Big beneficial boot brings bumper bark bundle back. Bosh. Back to top

Mark says: "Went to Big London from Little Newcastle. Lovely getting there. Sucked getting back. Welcome to the unpredictable world of long distance EV-ing.”

How much has it cost you?

Quite a bit of late. Mainly because I went to Big London from Newcastle… well, St Albans really. (To a Geordie that’s basically London. In the same way that to a Londoner, Newcastle is Scotland.) Anyways, to state the ovbiouds... how shocking are public rapid charging prices? At 75p per kWh, it costs £57.75 to fill the Enyaq’s 77kWh battery. In this weather (cold, obvs), and at motorway speed, the Enyaq can do about 200 miles. That's 29p per mile. Rubbish.

Where have you been?

See above. Christmas party season, innit.

What have you been carrying?

Greggs. Loads of Greggs. Also M&S. I've been eating like it's Christmas every day while hitting up the UK’s glorious network of motorway service stations.

Delights?

I honestly love this thing. It just doesn’t do anything wrong apart from having rubbish cupholders. It’s quiet, comfy whether it's going fast or slow, big, has fathmoable infotainment, and and is a mint colour.

Frustrations?

Okay, the cupholders. I don’t understand how Skoda could drop the ball on something so basic. For a start they’re tiny. No Chilly’s cup or bottle will fit into them. Also, they’re too close to the row of function buttons. I can’t count the number of times I’ve accidentally hit the Max AC button while putting a Greggs cup down. But that’s an aside. Going back to my trip to the Big London Commuter Belt, getting there was ace: I left home with a full battery, stopped at Wetherby Services (100 miles down the road), filled the battery, filled my face, got to St Albans. Job done. Getting back home, though… ugh. So it’s a Saturday morning and I’m staring at a five-hour journey before even charging. (PS. The south has too many people in it. How can there be multiple traffic jams up the M1 at 10am on a Saturday? Stupid south.) I stop at a service station early on to try and escape a lovely traffic jam. I forget which service station. Possibly Toddington. They’re all the same. The plan is to fill the battery to 100% while playing The Greggs Lottery: 'will the chicken bakes be hot?" They're not that hot. Damn. The battery fills to 100% though. So far so goodish…

Until I come to drive away. For some reason, the Skoda's infotainment screen doesn’t give me the option to stop the charge, as it usually does, which would unlock the charging port. No bother. I'll just use the screen on the unit.... oh. That's cream crackered. Thanks, Gridserve. No bother, I'll just use the emergency stop button... oh, there isn't one.
Result? The charging cable is locked down. I'm cream crackered. I can't go anywhere. I call Gridserve and they tell me to do a few button pressy things with the key, which achieves nothing but opening all the windows. Then they make me wait for ages while they reset the machine. Still nothing. Then they try explaining that there’s a manual release mechanism in the boot somewhere. I can’t find it. All told I’m on the phone for about half an hour before I’m left with no option but to call Skoda rescue and have someone turn up with either a laptop or, I guess, a set of industrial cable cutters. They say they’ll be there within an hour. Worst of all, my chicken bake is proper cold now. As cold as my attitude to motorways in the south. So I look up this manual release thing on the internet and discover where it is by watching a video about a Volkswagen ID.4. (Same car innit.) I pull the little yellow tab. Nothing happens. I pull it harder. Nothing. I'm worried I might break the mechanism, so I stop and return to the same thing I’ve been doing for the previous 45 minutes: lock the car, unlocking the car, pull at the charging cable, swear, get into the car, bite cold chicken bake, jab at the screen a bit, swear… repeat. Bite cold chicken bake. After more minutes of this, and about an hour in total, the cable unlocks. I don’t know how, or what I did, but I was free. Celebratory chicken bake? Nah, let's just go. All told (including another uneventful charging session), it took me more than seven hours to get 270-odd miles home. On a Saturday. I missed Newcastle beating Leicester at St James' Park. The plight of it.

This month in a nutshell

There’s still a long way to go before EVs make flawless cars to go a long way in; cold chicken bake. Back to top

Mark says: "Let's do some EV public charging mathematics... stick with this, mate. It'll be worth it."

How much has it cost you?

Quite a lot tbh, because the Enyaq has been doing a lot of motorway miles. *STOP THE PRESSES! The price of rapid charging at service stations is an absolute scandal!* Here's why. The Enyaq is surprisingly efficient on a motorway: 3.2 miles per kWh on average. So let’s do some mathematics. At that rate, a 50kW charge is good for (a serendipitously neat) 160 miles. DC charging at a Gridserve in the World’s Greatest Service Station (Wetherby Services) is 79p per kWh. A 50kW charge therefore costs £39.50. Yep, £39.50 for 160 miles. So let’s compare that to a petrol car… Unleaded at Wetherby is currently (an absolutely minging) 164p per litre. So let’s say your car is reasonably efficient on a motorway, say 50mpg. It would take 3.2 gallons to get 160 miles. 3.2 gallons is 14.5 litres. 14.5 litres of fuel at Wetherby costs £23.78. About half the price, if you're prone to exaggerating a bit. But even at 40mpg (4 gallons, 18.2 litres), the cost is £29.85. Either way, petrol is significantly less expensive than electric charging. Even when the petrol is at horrendous motorway prices. And this is the thing. There’s a HUGE difference in the cost and experience of an EV once you venture onto a motorway. And it’s a cost and experience that broadly sucks, IMO. My own experience of using the motorway charging network has ranged from perfect (available charger; charger works first time; buy a sammich; eat a sammich; car fully charges during sammich time; be on my way), to utterly dreadful (no available chargers; eventually find charger; charger doesn’t work; find another charger; charger requires online sign-up; signup takes three attempts; it’s late; it's dark; it's cold;l I’m tired; new charger works for a while then stops working; this experience costs £40-50). You still here mate?

Where have you been?

Depressing service station food courts. See above. Also, I'm fully libertarian but I do keep thinking that they shouldn’t be allowed to have those fruit machine places in service stations. It’s bad enough having to pay £8.75 for a bag of Starburst without also being goaded into losing all your savings in coins on the M1. While also having your bank account rapidly drained by Gridserve or Ionity or whoever. Assuming the charging unit hasn't decided to take a non-mandated break of its own. You still here mate?

What have you been carrying?

A confusing sense of service station EV ennui because it’s in direct conflict with the inner nirvana that one experiences most of the time when driving this bright green Skoda near my house. You still here mate?

Delights?

Be honest, can you think of any Skoda that you’ve ever seen and thought “NICE!” then just stared at it for a bit? If you know a little about cars, you’ve probably looked at a new Superb or Kamiq and thought “good cars those, real shame some people still think Skodas aren't very good, because they really are.” You might have seen an old Fabia vRS or Octavia vRS and thought “oof! Good choice mate. Fast, discrete… nice one.” You might even have looked at a Mk1 Yeti and thought “that’s probably one of the best pound-for-pound cars ever made… it’s such a shame it’s so ugly because if it wasn’t it would be a bona fide classic”. Or looked at a Roomster and just burst out laughing. But you’ve never looked at a Skoda and wanted to stare at it, right? But this car, in this colour… people stare. Sometimes they smile. Sometimes they nod. Sometimes they proper LOL, like it's a Roomster. But they react, then they watch as the car goes. A Skoda... A SKODA. I love it. You still here mate?

Frustrations?

Here is a list of things that have stopped working in our Skoda:
* The passenger heated seat * The rear air con control unit And here is a list of things that sometimes work but sometimes don’t: * The keyless entry * The front safety sensors * The DAB * The 12V battery system (albeit it’s never stopped the car from actually turning on since that one time it properly pooped itself about 5 months ago) The car generally works fine, though. None of these things really affect my day-to-day experience with it. And some of them have only just manifested themselves. So if you’re hoping that next month you’ll read about what happened when I pretended to be a normal paying customer and went to a Skoda garage to get these things fixed, I’m gonna have to disappoint you, because I’ve only got the car for another week or so, then it goes to Rory for a bit. And because I’ve told Skoda about these things, the press office is taking the car back to have a look. But I will ask them about it and hopefully report back next time, in my sad final farewell report.

This month in a nutshell

You still here mate? Back to top A Skoda Kodiaq review is right here

So this is the end, then. The Skoda has left the North East. Sad times. And because I’m writing this on Valentine’s Day, I’ve done a farewell poem.
I call this 'A SkODE To Joy'. *cough* So this is it, goodbye Big Skoda Thing You’ve been so much more than a massive green bin A fat Skoda, exciting? Who’d have believed? Edification beckoned; edification received Your nature so rapid - foot down, let rip Yet also adept at rote runs to the tip A magnet for smiles and gawps, our Skoda was hip Still, able to swallow a tonne of woodchip It wasn’t all perfect… so yeah it was quick, And comfy and quiet, and all that good schtick But its pedal feel sucked, especially the brake And sometimes it just wouldn’t start, for… flip’s sake The heated seat broke, the rear air con was lost And don’t even ask about rapid charge cost The love wasn’t unanimous - my daughter for one Approaching the Skoda like, “bruh, that’s just wrong” But the fact it upset her made me much more merry For now I was no more her personal ferry To own it was joyful, please make no mistake A car that you’d park up then turn, double take An EV with soul, though the paintjob played part But mainly the space and the style stole our hearts And now it’s gone back, replaced by an Uber Will our Toyota taxi be as fun to manoeuvre? We’ll find out quite soon, but one thing is sure Without our big Skoda, life just seems more poor That was ridiculous. Sorry. Tune in next month for our opening Toyota Prius update. Might do it as an interpretive dance.